The Humility of Dependence
I learned quite a few lessons through the long, tedious process of editing Anelthalien. Once again God reminded me that it was His ability, not mine, creating this book. Also, God taught me the excruciating lesson of complete dependence.
For a large part of my life I have depended on God. I asked and listened to Him about college, marriage, moving, and also daily decisions. Until I had to depend on God to make more than 116,000 decisions that were so small they did not seem to matter and yet in the same moment were so essential to the meaning of the book as a whole that they seemed to be indispensably important, I did not know what complete dependence meant.
While editing Anelthalien, I had to depend on God to know if literally every word, every sentence, and every punctuation mark was correct. The process of focusing on what God wanted me to do at every second did require exhausting concentration. Realizing just how many times I had failed on my own was humiliating. Staying stuck on one word for fifteen minutes because I was trying and failing to figure out what to do was frustrating. However, during the times I just focused on God's guidance and not my mistakes or inability, I made smooth forward progress and obtained the satisfaction of knowing God had done what was right and I did not have to question the decision.
That process taught me that the correct strategy for all of life is that same kind of complete dependence on God. It taught me that depending on God is not only necessary for significant or difficult decisions but for every decision. Decisions that do not seem to matter (like if I should put cinnamon in my oatmeal today), seem like something I am capable of deciding (like when to get the mail), and that seemed to humiliate me beyond what I even want to consider (like admitting I don't know about commas like I thought I did) are all decisions that I need to constantly and willingly ask God to decide for me. The humility of complete obedience can be exhausting, embarrassing, and frustrating. When I just let God have control of every second, though, I don't have to wonder if I made the right decision. I can know that God did.
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